“…it made me almost feel free. Like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I found myself talking to people I hadn’t talked to before and it wasn’t just normal talking. There was a banter and witty jokes shared between us, open discussions about certain topics and even a hug was shared, which is something I’m not usually comfortable with. I never thought I could be like this and all it took was a few weeks of just sitting down, reading and discussing literature.…”

We asked one of our recent trainees (Sara Fawcett) about her experience with anxiety, how shared reading training helped and how she thinks shared reading can help other people with anxiety.

The Sad thing is that I wasn’t always anxious or shy. When I was little I was one of those kids who would run around the shops, wave to people and say hello. There was one point where my mother couldn’t even take me to the shops without someone saying “Hello Sara!” because I had greeted everyone there. What I believe caused my anxiety to grow was the unfriendly people at school. Being a creative kid and not really fitting the ‘norm’, I tended to be the one the kids bullied. Kids were always talking behind my back or making fun of suggestions I made. I guess after thirteen years of being shut down by people, I felt like I had to shut myself off. Alongside this was the belief that people were always watching me, noticing any little slip up and instantly making fun at my mistake. That’s why certain things like answering the phone or talking to people scares me because what if you say the wrong thing? or what if there is an awkward silence? How do you continue the conversation? Having anxiety means that you honestly cannot function like a proper human being sometimes and then that makes you not want to go out anywhere or even try to attempt to be a part of things.

This is especially hard for me being an artist. When I have an idea these days I am reluctant to share it or go through with it because of the what-ifs. I think things like; ‘people may not like my idea because it doesn’t suit them’ or ‘I can’t draw or paint this because it’s not like the other works of art that people like and it won’t get any appreciation’. So my anxiety really affects my art and trying to sell it, get it seen, or even attempt to put ideas on the paper.

More recently I have started to have panic attacks. They usually come when I’m over thinking, but they do have the tendency to just pop out of nowhere. I mean, I know I can’t die from one but with the pressure on your chest, the short breaths and the all around tingling in your body I still have that terrible feeling that something is wrong and it could get worse if I don’t try and calm down. Once I’ve had one the rest of the week becomes rough for me. I’m more tired and have no energy to do anything. Not to mention the fact that I just don’t want to have any human contact because of the bad feeling the panic attack gives me. So my experience with anxiety in a whole would be best described as draining and frustrating.

At first when I was signed up for the Shared Reading training, I was nervous. But as an anxious person I guess everything makes you nervous. Throughout the first few meetings I did have trouble speaking to people and answering some questions. There were many times where I wanted to put my hand up and give out my opinions, but I just wasn’t ready to do that. Even when it was time for a break I found myself sitting outside because I was overwhelmed by being in a room full of people. But as they went on there were times I could speak my mind and was astounded by people’s reactions. They were kind, gentle and really enjoyed my opinion – even if they thought it was wrong. There wasn’t a yelling match, there was almost a friendly debate, which is rare these days. The big moment came for me when it was assessment time. Not only did the poetry I read explained my situation, it made me almost feel free. Like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I found myself talking to people I hadn’t talked to before and it wasn’t just normal talking. There was a banter and witty jokes shared between us, open discussions about certain topics and even a hug was shared, which is something I’m not usually comfortable with. I never thought I could be like this and all it took was a few weeks of just sitting down, reading and discussing literature. I guess you learn more about how people feel and think when they’re explaining what something means to them. It’s kind of like a secret Rorschach test to me really. You get different perspectives on the literature and though many may look at it the same, others can see it in a whole new way and in the end that can change how you think or see someone as a person.

The training was brilliant. Not only did the trainers provide us will heaps of information explaining how to conduct a shared reading group, but they showed us by example how to handle people in the group. They were kind and patient to all who attended the course. Whenever we had a question on anything they were always prepared to answer it even after hours of training. This course is perfect for someone who gets easily nervous about trying something. The main thing about this training is that there’s no pressure whatsoever. That’s without a doubt one of the biggest things that helped me go along and enjoy this. When you have anxiety, you over think almost everything that happens or is about to happen. Especially when it comes to things like school work or assignments. In that school environment, there is right and wrong and if you get it wrong you’re judged by not only the students but by the teachers, but there was none of that here. The assessment marking was good as well because it’s more of a review to tell you what you need to improve on. So it’s not so much ‘you got it wrong, you’re terrible and you failed’. It’s more of a ‘hey you did alright but here is what you can improve on in the future’. I do believe anyone who is willing to work hard and is prepared to be patient with others can learn from this training course.

As it is for so many people, poetry is one of my weak points. I cannot write it nor can I understand it sometimes. When I had to pick a poem for the assessment it was very difficult. I didn’t just want to choose a poem because it was “pretty” or “beautiful” and many of the poems that I had been reading all had the same themes, whether it was about the topic of change or the different ways love can be viewed. I had no feelings towards poems like this. So I decided to search and see if there were poems I could connect with, because without some sort of connection to the piece you are reading, you might read it in a boring way. I had an idea; why not focus on my anxiety? The thing I noticed about our groups and what I think would happen with almost every shared reading group is that after reading and having the conversation about the poems, we all had an understanding of them. If we can do that to help understand love and change, can we not do that for anxiety and other mental illnesses? I found three poems that spoke about how it feels like to have the anxiety, how I feel about having it and sometimes how I feel about the way people judge me for having it. How people don’t understand what’s going on in my mind. I figured it was a way to open up to the group, to speak about what I have to deal with, but also let them know that people with anxiety out there feel the same way that I do.

After I read my piece there was a great silence. I think there was a moment of ‘my god I don’t know what to say’. Then others started to open up and tell stories of how they or someone close to them has anxiety. I had so many people come up after the break and not only congratulate me on my bravery, but also said they understood me more as a person. Once they become aware of your situation they don’t tend to act the same. It’s not so much they treat you as someone different, it’s more like they know now you’re not comfortable in certain situations – that now they see not just a quiet person, but someone who is trying who just needs a little time and patience. The reason that people with anxiety don’t talk is not at all because we are rude, it’s just that we don’t know you that well and we aren’t ready to be talkative just yet. I like to think that when the trainees in my group have their own shared reading groups in the future, that they now know how to deal with someone who has anxiety or at least understand how people might be feeling and that there is a more of a gentle way of approaching them.

A lot of people who have anxiety choose to not join certain groups because of the fear of being embarrassed or having to talk in front of a large group of people. The advice that some have for people with anxiety is for them to go and join things like improvisation or drama club because they believe that just being louder and more active will cure the anxiety. That is not always the answer though, some people need to come out slowly by getting used to their surroundings and the people in them. For me and many others with anxiety, after we’ve met a person we need a few more encounters with them to feel comfortable talking to them. But what can also help us to feel more confident and comfortable is the environment we are in. Shared Reading gives us time and space and it doesn’t bombard us with a huge group of people. Whoever is in the group learns to respect who we are and what opinions we have. Also, there is no pressure to do anything, we can sit in silence until we are ready. And when we are ready to share our thoughts we aren’t shut down but listened to. I think with this group it can help people like me overcome the fear of being near people and the fear of making a mistake. I think it can help us in our everyday lives with simple communication like just being able to answer the phone at work or talk to work colleagues.